How to begin a luxurious Saturday Morning.

First of all, quit waking up to nightmares that your colleague Allyson C. starts yelling at you in a meeting for wearing acid washed jeans. Unsettling. Especially, when you wake up, relieved it's just a dream, and then go back to sleep to the very same disturbing dream. You don't even own any acid washed jeans, how could this be happening?

Wake up for real and decide to stay up rather than return to the humiliating yell-y dream. After that, realize that even though you woke up in time, you don't HAVE to go to the 7:30 spin class. So what if the teacher's good. She saves all the yelling she should be aiming at her kids for your class. "Come on, push yourself. Work hard. That's what you're here for. Don't coast through. I should see each of you struggling to get through class. There should be pain on all of your faces."

Screw dat. I get enough of that at work.

Anyway, back to you and your lovely Saturday morning. Relish the idea that you're probably the only one awake in the 'hood. Feel superior about it.

While you're at it, have another cup of Einstein Brothers' Vanilla Nut coffee.

Then, make a batch of Duncan Hines Family Style Brownies. All you need is one egg, 1/4 vegetable oil and two tablespoons of water. Who doesn't have that lying around?

While the brownies bake, read the article about bereavement in the New Yorker. Then laugh at the Barsotti cartoon about the Jack-in-the-Box to kind of balance things out.

Take the brownies out of the oven. Let them cool just long enough. Cut one out, and then think "Who am I kidding?" so cut another one. (Who eats just one brownie? We hate them.) Then do this unbelievably fattening trick I learned from Daddio--put a pat of butter on top. Eat as much as you can until you're just shy of making yourself nauseous.

Realize no matter what happens, that this day started out pretty damn good.

Even if you had to read a blog entry written in second person and you find that contrivance annoying.